Communicating With Your Caregiver
Hello working moms and dads –
Is your family going through a childcare change? With “in-office” expectations shifting, business travel starting again, and school holidays ahead, so many of us are – and of different kinds. Maybe there’s a friend or relative who’s started covering the homework-and-dinner shift at home so you can work late on Tuesdays, or maybe you’re getting the baby settled into a new daycare center, or maybe the kids start a new daycamp this June. Whatever the case: Developing an open, trusting, and collaborative relationship with your child’s new caregiver(s) is essential. And as in any close collaboration, the glue that holds everything together is positive, open, and regular communication.
Here are a few ways to make sure you’re speaking effectively—and enough, and comfortably—with your caregiver(s).
Agree on the rules of the road. Have an informal agreement on when, why, and how to be in touch and share information. Will you debrief at the end of each day? Set aside a solid fifteen minutes each Friday to catch up on what happened during the week? Expect a call if the baby seems unusually fussy? Communicate via the center’s app? There’s no need for an elaborate protocol, just a mutual understanding on how connections can and should happen.
Set aside time for handovers. Morning dropoffs and that evening arrival home can be extremely rushed, but be sure to carve out a few dedicated minutes for each caregiving transition, and, during that time, to give your caregivers your attention. At the daycare, spend a few moments to get your child settled in – and answering any questions your caregiver(s) might have. During an evening transition, spend a few minutes getting a sense of what happened throughout the day—like if the baby seemed hungry again shortly after a big feed. Use those pivot points to get essential information and reassurance, and as a chance to develop a friendly, positive rapport.
Be direct, honest, and open—but pick your spots. If your son has seemed overtired after daycare recently, ask his caregivers to ensure he gets a longer nap. If you prefer that the nanny not host playdates given Covid concerns, say so. But if the after-care program only posted two photos of your child on the parents’ app yesterday instead of the usual six, or if the nanny folds the baby’s undershirts differently than you do, just let it go. You’re striving to manage an overall environment of safe, responsible, happy care—and some of your caregiver’s actions or habits, even if they rub you just a tiny bit the wrong way, aren’t worth your time or the relationship cost of getting into.
Ask nicely. Depending on the culture of your industry or workplace, you may be used to some pretty direct, and even blunt, communications. Your boss may bark “Make this happen!” But this isn’t your workplace, and your caregiver’s feelings about his or her work, and about you, truly matter, which means a much softer-if-still-direct approach is called for. “Can I ask you a favor . . . ” “Would you mind . . . ” “When you get a free minute, would you . . . ” “Would it be possible to . . . ” are more-gentle ways to start asking for what you need. You don’t have to tiptoe around or sugarcoat things; just ensure that your caregiver feels respected.
Solicit opinions and advice. Nothing fosters the two-way-street nature of this relationship better than asking for your caregiver’s perspective and expertise. Now that the baby’s sitting up unsupported, does your caregiver imagine she’ll be crawling soon? What’s the best way to handle your nine year old, who’s started rolling her eyes and talking back? When you ask questions like these, you’ll not only get new information but be signaling that you see yourself and your caregiver as part of a team.
If you’re in a new care arrangement – of any kind – and feeling worried or daunted, remember: that’s normal. Like every good parent, you’ve got deep, almost animal feelings of protectiveness towards your kids. They’re the most precious thing in the world to you, and there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to keep them well and safe. And in this natural, healthy “protect the tiger cub” mode, the idea of leaving your child with a caregiver—any caregiver—can feel incongruous. But finding and starting care isn’t a contradiction to good parenting: it’s an essential part of it. The more caring, reliable, and trustworthy adults that surround your kids, the more they’ll thrive, both now and as they grow. The better a relationship you have with those caregivers, the more calm and centered you’ll be. And the more calm and centered you are, the more you’ll be able to deliver at work, take care of the family for the short and long term – and be the parent you want to be.
Have a particular working-parent question, or looking for working parent support inside your workplace? Shoot me an email at hello@workparent.com. And for hundreds more tools and strategies for combining career and kids, pick up a copy of my book Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids.