How to Tame Working Parent Guilt - And Feel Better, Now
Hello working moms and dads:
Let’s talk about the g-word: guilt. I’ve never met a working parent who doesn’t grapple with it – that feeling that you should be doing things differently, that you’re in the wrong, or that no matter how incredibly hard you’re trying, you’re letting someone down.
Think back: how many times this week have you felt conflicted, or despite your best intentions, like you’re failing to do the right thing between work and family? Maybe yesterday you promised the kids you would play with them – but then you got an urgent work call you had to deal with. While racing to put out the professional fire, you thought, there I go, letting the kids down…again. What kind of parent am I?! Guilt feels awful in the moment – and over time, it exhausts you, making it that much harder to show up as the parent and professional you want to be.
Breaking the Cycle
You can’t erase your emotions (only sociopaths can do that!), but you don’t have resign yourself to feeling crummy all the time, either. Instead, try using these two “circuit breakers”: techniques that will halt the guilt spiral, and let you start feeling better, right now.
Technique #1. Re-stake.
When work does interrupt your time with the kids, tell yourself, “I am a devoted parent, and my children are at the center of my life. Today, because of events outside my control, I had to prioritize my job over spending time with them. That was disappointing, but it doesn’t change my commitment to the kids, or who I am. I work to provide and care for my children. I am a devoted parent.” Re-staking like this allows you to remain in charge of your identity, even in adverse circumstances. You’re not a bad parent – just a busy one.
Technique #2. Push back – by asking yourself, “Really?”
Are you really a bad parent, just because you had to handle a one-off work emergency? Did all the time you’ve spent nurturing and caring for your child really all get wiped away in that one moment? Are your actions really evidence of complete parental incompetence and neglect? Could you really have prevented this one work emergency, even though you worked 11 hours yesterday? Of course not! All of those conclusions are obviously false, and by questioning yourself – and challenging your guilt – in this way, it cuts through the static of self-doubt and plants you firmly back in reality. What you really are is a busy parent, doing your very best.
For more tools and strategies for coping with guilt, overwhelm and other completely normal working parent feelings, pick up a copy of my book Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids.